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Friday 7 October 2011

Important Health Advice

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that your ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover talents you never knew you had.

Stop Hiding and Start Living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir.......

6 comments:

  1. Well it made me smile- wish I could take the credit for it- just thought it was fun for a Friday night!!

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  2. and on this frisay night i can vouch for that 6 times...just saying...

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  3. Love it ! Such a fan I always ignore the warnings! Nuala K

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  4. V good. Sauvignon Blanc is one thing, but be sure not to stray on to the harder stuff, like thinking.

    It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone — "to relax," I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

    I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

    Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

    I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

    I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I’ve been thinking…"

    "I know you’ve been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

    "But Honey, surely it’s not that serious."

    "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money. So, if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!"

    "That’s a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently and she began to cry. I’d had enough. "I’m going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

    I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with the NPR station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors … they didn’t open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"

    You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a T.A. meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video, last week it was "Porky’s", and then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

    I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed … easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

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  5. Paul- I LOVE this!! So clever- thank you!

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