Compare and Despair

You know, I was going to fill you in on the mad Holy Communion weekend we just had, chat about the Homeland finale, (Can you BELIEVE it's over?), and possibly even touch on our head melting trip to Toys R Us this morning....but then I got waylaid by a runny -nosed grinch of a toddler, who refused to do the decent thing and take a nap, new toys,(from the aforementioned trip), that needed batteries, and predictably enough, a real stinker of a nappy. After that, over a snatched lunch of beans and toast, I couldn't help popping on to the Twittosphere and catching up on a few of my favourite blogs... which I LOVE to do, really I do, but depending on my mood, it  leaves me feeling one of two ways.
If I'm in good form, I usually depart feeling inspired, entertained and thrilled to be part of such a diverse, stimulating, blogging world. If I'm not in great form, a bit stressed or plain old PMTed, I often mooch out feeling a bit deflated, trending thoughts of 'Why didn't I think of that?', and 'Maybe if I was a bit more...,' and, worst of all, 'They're so talented, and I'm so not, and what the hell am I doing?'
Oh yeah baby! NOBODY throws a pity party like moi!
Later though, when I'm all partied out , I remember why I'm doing this blog in the first place-it's a much needed outlet, (and I'm secretly hoping for free stuff), that I've only been doing it for 9 months, (like pregnancy without the piles), that I'm still finding my voice, (though Loverboy assures me I never lost it in the first place), and that I'm still experimenting, learning and growing. And meanwhile, back in the real world, I'm also desperately trying not to mess up the five souls in my care, while peeling the spuds, sticking on a wash and having the odd cheeky snog with Loverboy.
So yes, I know that I CAN'T be those wonderful other bloggers- I'm just not as funny, or as rude, or as clever or as candid. I'd LIKE to be, but it's not who I am, and I'd only end up being the crappier knock- off version anyway. No, all I can really guarantee myself (and you!) is that I'll be honest and authentic and 100% me. That's why when someone, (whose not family!), tells me they read my blog, or leaves a comment, it's such an amazing feeling because it tells me, that just being me, is enough actually and it's worth reading ...and that's a compliment, a relief and a massive buzz all at once. So thank you (yes you!) for reading this- it honestly means the world to me. Now... mind how you go, don't be a stranger, and I'll catch you in the long grass. Emmax
 Ps in case you want to take a peek at a few of my fav blogs here they are.....
http://sahdandproud.wordpress.com/
http://blackwatertown.wordpress.com/
http://www.thevoiceofsarahmiles.com/
http://upyoursginaford.wordpress.com/
http://testosterhome.net/
http://writtenoff.net/
http://motherventing.wordpress.com/
All brilliantly written, yet wonderfully diverse-enjoy!

Questions of a Bloggy Nature....

Well helloooo there! My goodness, how I've missed you! I mean it's been a whole week and that's the biggest break I've taken from blogging since last September! Well, that's not entirely true... I DID actually post last Monday, but it was all a bit grim, which was hardly surprising given that I was on a bit of a downer. It was up for a few hours, and maybe some of you even read it, but then a well meaning friend urged me to take it down and I did.
I'd had a 'everything's getting on top of me I'm pulled in all directions and totally unappreciated and here's 5 kids for sale' sort of few days, and I put those feelings out there. Then, because I was feeling low, I trusted my good buddy's kind judgement over my own and pulled the post, and I STILL don't know whether it was the right thing to do or not. I suppose that it really got me thinking this week, amidst Easter holidays and family get togethers and even a wedding, how much I do/ should share on here. Now, I do understand that I'm making the outrageous assumption that you might actually be interested in what's going on in my tiny corner of the world, but let's just say for a moment you are-what am I prepared to share and what do you want to read?
For me, it boils down to -why am I writing this blog and for whom?  The biggest reason for it's existence is as a creative outlet- it is MY place to make sense of the day to day of family life, to help me organise my thoughts, and to find humour where I can along the way. So many older parents tell me, that the best times of their lives were when the children were young, and that if they could turn the clock back they definitely would. I appreciate when they remind me of this, because it's so easy to forget when you're in the thick of it, and caught up in the seemingly endless chores, responsibilities and needs of a busy household. I also worry that my children will only remember a bossy, busy frazzled mummy and not the chilled, fun mummy that I want to be.
 If this blog does anything, it shows me that good times should be cherished and remembered, and bad days do pass, and can often teach a lesson before they do. In all honesty, the very last thing I want to do is to present a sugar coated, half truth of my life to you, but nor do I want to sacrifice my family's integrity, or bore you to death with the negative and utterly mundane. I guess it's trying to find that balance, isn't it? I'm still working out how to do that, just as I'm learning how to formulate my thoughts into something worth reading, while learning on the job how to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend. So there you are, that's what's been on my mind this week, and if you have any  thoughts, insights or opinions on the matter, I would honestly love to hear them. More than that actually, I would truly value them. Till next time amigos, emx

Growing up

Last week, on Ash Wednesday, I decided to start Lent well, (it's been downhill since), so I took Luke to Mass to 'get our ashes'. The extra motivation of losing a few lbs, meant walking there in the rain, but because Jude had forgotten his wellies, and his class were planting trees, I did a mad dash to the school  to drop them off first. So, drenched and late, I snuck in the back with the buggy, and thanks to a steady supply of raisins, Luke didn't have to be physically removed from the building until pretty close to the end. A personal record actually.

There happened to be another stretched mummy there, who with heroic bravery had brought her infant twin girls and toddler, and I'm ashamed to say fared better than I did. It did strike me though, as I watched her multitask, that, almost without having realizing it, I had moved on a stage. Suddenly, right then, and quite unexpectedly, I felt a little pang of regret. Because for the longest time, almost thirteen years in fact, I've been multitasking with babies and toddlers...but now my baby's a toddler, and my toddlers are children and it's making me a little sad. And a little happy. And a lot confused.

I used to look at mummies who had their children 'up a wee bit', and wistfully think 'some day that'll be me, and life will get a bit more calm and I'll not have little hands clutching, wanting, needing me ALL THE TIME. Now here I am, and my baby is almost two, and previously at this point there's been another on the way, or already in my arms, and this new territory looks unfamiliar and slightly scary. I really love where he's at right now too - he's becoming so vocal and independent, but is still my cuddly, brown eyed babe as well. Perhaps I'm enjoying him so much precisely because I'm NOT also juggling a newborn, and it's just the two of us in the mornings, and he's my little mate. He's also our last and I know now how fast the time flies and it won't be long til he's off to school....and it makes me well up just thinking about it.

 

A friend with six kids said to me recently that she wished she could have frozen them about 5 years ago, when the eldest was 10 and the youngest 2... and I do know just how she feels. But then I'd never get to see them blossom and grow into the young adults they were born to be and that's part of the journey too, right?  I haven't travelled there myself yet, but I know plenty who have and they say it's a trip worth taking. I suppose that right now, I'm feeling the apprehension that comes with impending change. Of course my children are still young and still need me, but gradually over time my  role as mother will evolve, and with it my identity. How do I do that? What will I be ? Will I return to pastures old or reach for pastures new? And really do I have anything to offer anymore anyway? Goodness! I've gone all existential on you and I'm sure you weren't bargaining on that on a Wednesday afternoon.  Ah well, these are ponderous questions for another day because now there's laundry to fold and school runs to do.....and for once I'm really quite grateful for that!