Bah Humbug!

I'm just not feeling the Christmas spirit. I hope it'll creep up on me, because right now, I feel like I'm going through the motions for everyone else, and it all seems like a big old chore. When did that happen? The other night, as I tried to muster up a bit of enthusiasm for the Christmas tree lights switch on in the village? Or standing in the freezing cold for half an hour beforehand, only to have Luke burst into inconsolable, frightened tears, when it did eventually light up? Or maybe after that, when we argued over whether to queue outside the church hall to see Santa or head home? Undeterred, we did wait..only to finally get inside to encounter coils of others ahead of us, queuing to see, a frankly, crap looking Santa. So no, I'm not looking  forward to putting up the tree, I'm dreading it, and as for the Christmas cards, I haven't even started them yet, and you know what...I can't be arsed. What the hell is wrong with me? When did it all become too much bother?

I have another confession to make- my secret fantasy is to spend Christmas- alone -in a 5* hotel. Does this make me a bad person? I've really fleshed it out too- think crackling log fires, heavy garlands, flickering candles, carol singers (too much?), mulled wine, a four poster and most wonderfully of all, nothing to do except relax with books, magazines and the remote control. Then, a gorgeous Christmas dinner in a beautiful dining room with white tablecloths, expensive crackers and no highchairs. No gravy to make, no turkey to carve, no wrapping paper to recycle, no dishes to do.

Now, I know it's only an indulgent fantasy, and therein lies its allure. I'm 100% certain that if I were alone at Christmas, all the luxury in the world would suddenly become worthless, and my only wish would be to have all my family around me. Definitely, 90% certain of that. Truthfully, I really am very, very grateful for all the blessings that I've been given, and I know what I need to do and I WILL do it all. I just want to feel the sparkle a little while I'm doing it...and nope, I've just checked, and it's still not there.

I suppose its partly the daily grind- the everyday pain in the bum stuff that we all have to deal with- the shower being broken, leaking through internal walls and damaging the paintwork in 2 rooms. The hassle of a car being off the road, and a mechanic whose been coming for weeks, and let's face it, we all know it's a write -off anyway. But then, to admit that, means the expense of a new (to us) car and who needs that at Christmas? Much more significantly, my dearest friend and cousin's anniversary is just around the corner- she died 3 years ago and left a husband, four children, and a gaping hole of pain and grief like you wouldn't believe. I think of her every single day and life's so unfair and I can't help wondering why I'm here and she's not.

So, maybe it IS too much to ask for a little bit of the Christmas spirit but there it is.... I always was greedy. It's not that I'm not trying- I've brought out the big guns- the Christmas playlist is on the iPod, the Christmas toilet rolls are in the downstairs loo. I even took the children to see 'Arthur Christmas' yesterday and we're off to see (another, better) Santa tonight and putting up our tree at the weekend. I've got big plans for a viewing of 'Its a Wonderful Life' complete with a tin of Roses, and if that doesn't do it, nothing will! So, if I've rained on your Christmas parade today by being a grinch, I'm genuinely sorry. I promise you I'm working on it. Bah humbug!